Things you don’t want to hear from an airline

There’s a problem with your seat assignment: we have no seats.

We will put you on a flight that leaves seven hours later.

There are no seats showing on that flight either. Well, there are four, but I can’t seem to get you on them.

Are you sure you want to travel today?

Apparently the four unassigned seats are broken.

Oh wait, we can assign you one of those four seats.

No, we won’t have your special meal.

[after noticing safety video playing silently and putting on headphones] This concludes your safety demonstration.

Bong! [45 minutes after scheduled departure time, seat belt light switches off]

The PA system is not working at the back of the cabin. This would be very bad in the event of an emergency, so we will not leave until we’ve fixed it.

This is your captain speaking. The air conditioning is not working; I recommend fanning yourselves with the flight safety information cards which you’ll find in the seat pocket in front of you.

[over an hour after scheduled departure time, after pushing back from the gate] We fixed the PA system! We’re just going to check whether we have enough fuel.

[once in the air] somethingsoquietitsunintelligible [apparently the PA system was not completely fixed]

[during violent turbulence] dingding! dingding! dingding! dingding! dingding! [flight attendant sprints down aisle to reach his seat] (was there information given? don’t know, I was in the back of the cabin)

 

Still, at least we landed safely and they didn’t lose my luggage!

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